Ianto's Year That Never Was
by EmoSpaceWhale
Summary: Ianto explains what he thinks would be the most painful thing imaginable for him to go through.


**Title**: Ianto's Year That Never Was  
><strong>Characters: <strong>Ianto Jones, Jack Harkness, Toshiko Sato, Gwen Cooper, Owen Harper  
><strong>Pairings: <strong>Jack/Ianto  
><strong>Rating<strong>/**Warnings:** PG-13 more  
><strong>Spoilers:<strong> Utopia-Last of the Timelords-ish  
><strong>Summary: <strong>Ianto explains what he thinks would be the most painful thing imaginable.

~This started out as something I randomly said during a game of Apples to Apples. The adjective Painful must have come up and I chose 'Getting a hug' so I started to explain why I had picked it... This is what my mind came up and when Gwen said I should make it into a fic, that night I did. Hope you like it at least a bit and feel free to comment.

* * *

><p>Then:<p>

Ianto Jones:  
>Getting a hug from Jack in your dreams while he's away and has abandoned you and the team... _<br>Donna Noble:  
>MY CREYS.<br>Gwen Cooper:

Ianto Jones:  
>Wishing he was there and trying to stop yourself from falling apart and drinking.<br>Gwen Cooper:  
>Uh oh.<br>Eridan:  
>ugh it is so hot in here<br>Ianto Jones:  
>Wishing that the only thing that was left for you would come back and just hold you because you feel there's nothing left.<br>Gwen Cooper:  
>Grant?<br>Donna Noble:  
>why so depressed, Ianto? *hugs*<br>Ianto Jones:  
>But you wait and you wait and you're worried they won't ever return and everything you had really was just a fling. And you were just a part time shag<br>Ianto Jones:  
>and everything that was said was a lie...<p>

Later on:

Ianto Jones:  
>Getting a hug from Jack 33<br>Donna Noble:  
>always 3<br>Ianto Jones:  
>Loveliest thing in the world.<p>

**xxx**

**xx**

**x**

He had never fully understood Jack's reason for leaving whilst he was away. During the time, it never really occurred to him that he would have spent the time away on a UNIT ship high above Earth, being tortured everyday for a year, and fighting to restore reality. But he hadn't been thinking too clearly at the time anyhow.

So when months later he was asked by the team what he thought was the most painful thing imaginable they were /all/ taken aback.

"Getting a hug from a man in your dreams while you're full aware he isn't beside you. When you know he abandoned his team and /you/. That there's no longer someone there to guide them and you know, very soon, they will make a mistake. Be it a miscalculation of the rift, a misjudgment, or even an incident with the toaster. And all the while you stand back watching them struggle to find their way." He closed his eyes and drew a deep breath.

"When you miss the person you thought would always be there for you. When every night you yearn for those small touches at midnight. The warmth of another person beside you and that security you feel in their arms. Missing the way they looked at you and the genuine smile on their face as they watched you wake up after long days spent just in bed. And those long nights of watching /them/ sleep with their eyes fluttering beneath their lids, trying to guess what they're dreaming. Hoping, just hoping, it was you they were dreaming about and that's why they were so peaceful now as they slept as opposed to the fitful nights you had first encountered." Everyone's eyes were on Ianto now. Eight eyes finally learning some truth behind this man they only began to understand they knew nothing about.

"All the while you're wishing he came back. You're trying to stop the self-hatred, the self-loathing, and the drinking. Wishing you could stop yourself from falling apart but it seems impossible. Trying to drown it all out by drinking far too much. I mean... When you only have two things in your life that matter anymore, your job and a person you thought cared about you, and you thought for one pleasant moment everything might be all right; everything could possibly fit together now. But with your world gone all you wish for now is that one person to come back and hold you, because you're afraid there's nothing left. Without that one thing your life is practically meaningless and your life serves no purpose but to exist and clean up others' shit." Ianto swallowed hard and looked down, the words beginning to become more and more difficult to form.

"But as you wait and you wait and you're worried they won't ever return and everything you had really was just a fling. There were no feelings, there was nothing more. You were nothing but a teaboy and a part-time shag. Everything that was said and done must have been a lie because they weren't coming back, and something dark deep down within you was sure of it. It knew they weren't ever coming back again and if they did it wouldn't be for you. /Just a part-time shag/." He glared at nothing in particular and Jack wrapped an arm around his waist, using a finger to lift Ianto's chin so he could look at him. His expression softened. The younger man's eyes were red but Jack knew he was far from finished, Ianto hadn't tried to push him off now and nor had he done so ever before.

"Ianto-" Jack started but cut himself off as Ianto shook his head.

"Everything was a lie. It must have been." He blinked back a tear and to Jack's surprise smiled.

"But getting a hug from you. Now. It makes up for all of that because I know you mean it this time. You came back last time, what would keep you from doing it the next?

When you hug me now it's the loveliest thing in the world. When you wrap your arm around me at night, when you hold me during times like these," He let out a soft laugh, "it always manages to make everything seem better." Ianto smiled sheepishly and Jack stared at him, searching his now tear-filled eyes before wrapping his arms around him and pulling him close. Ianto did the same and buried his face in Jack's neck, trying to stop his small sobs and inhaling his scent knowing it would help calm him down.

A few feet away Tosh, Owen, and Gwen stood speechless. It had all been in good fun, a simple game of truth or dare...

Tosh bit her lip and muttered about reports she had to get done, hurrying to busy herself with paperwork while Owen rocked back on his feet and ran a hand through his hair.

"Bloody hell, Gwen. Nice going." He waved a hand in her direction and stalked off to finish the autopsy he had been in the middle of.

Gwen's cheeks turned red as she struggled to make out an apology, "I didn't think..." She spoke up for Ianto to hear, "I'm sorry, Ianto."

Jack busy trying to calm Ianto down, running a soothing hand through his hair, shot her a look that sent her scurrying off mumbling about Rhys.

Ianto sniffed and pulled back to face Jack, all signs of him being upset gone. He nodded towards Jack's office and smirked.

Jack took a second to look Ianto over suspiciously, raising an eyebrow and moving his hands to rest on Ianto's hips. Whether Ianto had really meant all he said or it was just some ploy to get out of one of Gwen's games, he couldn't say... But he wasn't going to resist as Ianto started pulling him off towards his own office.

They could always talk it over later.

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><p><strong>xxx<strong>

**xx**

**x**

This is actually the first thing I've written all the way through in one go. *claps* Yay me! Anyhoo thanks for reading it, comments would be lovely. Also, I'll try to finish up the one I have already started on here. Till next time. *small wave*


End file.
